Illusions..

We all have them. Some are for our own benefit, others are for the sanity of those in our lives. Why are people so afraid to be themselves? This question has been posed in many forms and many ways by alot of people. Is there an answer? I think that each person has to find it within themselves to answer that.

I was talking to female friend from junior high that I have recently got back into contact with. Her and I were discussing failed relationships. Hers and mine. She was saying the typical men are pigs who can't commit and all that other shit, but I was saying that most relatioships fail because everyone lies. They mostly lie to themselves. In my experience, people are afraid to really see what is happening in their lives. So they create these illusions about those that are in our lives. It usually manifests itself into the "if I love him/her enough they'll change." The fact is, most people will not change unless they want to, they have to see the benefit and really want the alternative. Throw that in with the fact that most people are inherently selfish, and will do what is the easiest/most beneficial to them at that moment of time. This can be seen in familial relationships as well. Those that keep taking the alcoholic/drug addict/repeat criminal family member back into their lives. We know that this isn't healthy, but we still do it anyways.

So I say this for myself. My illusions are dead, done. I am no longer afraid to face the truth of people, and will no longer tolerate that behavior in others. The key is to be this way and not to be hurtful. Life is a painful process, that is the unavoidable truth, I can try and soften it as much as possible, but that will not alleviate pain. I will however temper this with the knowledge that the blunt, honest truth, by itself isn't always the answer. It can be used as a bludgeon to slam people for no reason. I may keep some truths to myself, those that serve no benefit of any kind. I think that as I go into my 3rd decade on this Earth, that with the maturity and clarity, that goes with my unique life experiences, I hope that I will be a better person for the lies that I have told myself. Maybe just knowing this will stop me every once in a while and I will ask myself: "Am I being honest with myself?"

Time Marches On...

Well into the ninth month of a 12 month deployment, 16 months away from home when this is all said and done. I have less than 100 days left, and the time seems to be standing still. Maybe its the Christmas Season, the end of the year, or just the fact that I am burned out that is making December the longest month in the history of man.


In a year from now, my life will be much different than it is today, most won't even recongnize it. I will have a new job, possibly a new address, and possibly be single for the first time in almost 10 years. Time is the one thing that is constant, there is nothing that we can do about it. I often find it hard to focus on what is going on here, and focus more on what is going at home, both good and bad. 12 hours in a guard tower leaves one with a lot of time to think. I am anxious to get on with it, enough of this, I am tired, I want to go home, I want the other shoe to drop one way or the other, and I want to see my family, my SO, and my country that I have given so much for. I have learned whatever lessons I was supposed to over here. Life is the greatest teacher that one has, but what else can I learn here? How to hurt? Check. How to be scared? Check. How to appreciate those things that are REALLY important in my life? Check. How to miss my family, and my entire way of life? Check. How to move on with my life? That one will have to wait for a few more months. I will be back in the Springtime. Not my favorite time of year, but one that is perfect symbol of rebirth, that man has associated with that season for all time. Rebirth of the new me.

New Years Resolutions:

Be more patient with people.

Not to put back on the 45+ pounds that I've lost while over here.

To make smart decisions about all aspects of my life.

To learn to follow through with things. (this has been a big one my whole life)

To hold on to that feeling of wonderment about the little things in life that most people miss in their day to day lives.

To watch my nieces and nephews grow.

To get a job with a Fire Department.

To love like I've never been hurt.

Walking in a Winter Muslim Land..

Pictures of the street in front of my base at around 0500, before traffic really started and messed it up. Peaceful. Its a shame that this city couldn't be this peaceful and beautiful all the time.





So, winter has officially come Kabul. 19 degrees today at 9AM. Snowed for 3 days straight and is now clear and cold. I really like winter, as long as the sky is clear. The cold doesn't bother me, just the overcast skies. Coming from Phoenix, which gets 330 days of sun per year, spoiled me.
A few weeks before Xmas, and my shopping is already done, the packages are sent, and soon the friends and family will opening them. Miss my dad alot lately. Miss the whole family actually. One of my brothers has come up with the idea of me moving back to Phoenix, and he and I testing, training, going through the Fire Acaemy together, and starting a career together. I am giving this more serious thought than I have before. I didn't want to move back to AZ, but as my time here draws to a close, and the fact that I will have to face life as a civilian again, with all the inherent joys and sorrows that that brings, moving back "home" doesn't really bother me that much. My family has supported me more than anyone else. I miss them, and I have also reconnected some old friends from high school, and people really don't change all that much over the years.

I am kind of scared of turning 30. seems like a huge milestone. Getting old was for everyone else, not that 30 is old, but it seems like it. Random thoughts. Here's a couple of pics.

Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, and here's to being home in less than 100 days.

Oh yeah, almost forgot,

Centennial Coyotes 51

Peoria Panthers 7

Arizona 5A-II state semi finals football. Centennial went on to win the Title game, 34-0 over Sunnyslope to capture their first ever State Championship. Go Coyotes!!